Top Ten Shittiest Games of 2013

The past year has been one of the most unusual years for video games. Its seen some of the worst game designs and some of the shoddiest programming as well as controversy ranging from false advertising to the usual rip off that many gamers of this generation have become used to.

Just like last year, our shit list holds nothing back. Expect this years doo doo list to spew out bucketloads of foul smelling, vomit inducing crap to ever come out of the anuses of some of the biggest money grubbing corporations this industry has ever seen. This flatulent list is in no order of merit. Shit, by any other name, is still shit.

GOD OF WAR: ASCENSION
Besides the boring multiplayer aspect, this game offered absolutely nothing new. It is time for Sony to lay old Kratos to rest. The man has killed everything and everyone. There's nothing left to destroy. We say, let the Spartan rest in peace.

ALIENS: COLONIAL MARINES.
Given the subject matter at hand, one would expect Gearbox to have put something interesting together. Unfortunately, all the gamers got was an unacceptable load of faeces. It played badly, graphics were pixelated and the FPS style was at best, myopic. The game was wrought with controversy and tarnished Gearbox's reputation.

BEYOND: TWO SOULS
As a Playstation 3 exclusive, one would expect a game of the highest standards but this predictable pile of tosh is about engaging and as exciting as breaking wind. Monotonous flatulence is not fashionable. Ellen Page may have gotten a starring role but she's no ball kicker here. Created more as a fantasy movie than a game, players were cheated into thinking it was a huge box office game changer that was at best, arse worthy.

CALL OF DUTY: GHOSTS
Just like a cockroach this undeniably boring series refuses to die. Game play was consistent with the old COD titles as all FPS go but the lack of originality and gameplay haunted players like a Hollywood blockbuster (haven't you seen this before?)

that promise hours of fun but instead uses the same boring regime in the hope you'd pay more for the online multiplayer options. Ghosts is nothing more than a roach with a missing leg. Now, where's that shoe of mine?

STAR TREK: THE GAME
This bug ridden crap fest proves, once and for all that people who don't know who to program are getting high paying jobs as programmers. All those involved should have been drowned at birth. Developed to ride on the success of the new movie franchise, you'd sincerely hoped it was the hope of the Klingons who messed up your day with this purchase.

FINAL FANTASY: ALL THE BRAVEST
This horrid, simplistic inexcusable piece of turd cake hid an outrageous micro transaction money grubber. And just like a putrid lump of shit, it should be immediately flushed down the toilet.

DEADPOOL
This one held much promise. Great marketing and a totally psychotic character. Imagine the potential. Sadly, they fucked it all up. Repetitive gameplay, horrendous design and just plain and simple boredom make this one a big dollop of ca ca.

DEAD SPACE 3
What once started as a innovative jump start to the dying Survival Horror genre slowly dissolved into a run of the mill third persons shooter. On top of that, the developers included online transaction where players could practically buy the ending. Sitting around the campfire with Mr. Taggart and the cowboys eating beans and farting all night is much better than getting this silly little piece of coding.

BATMAN: ARKHAM ORIGINS
The moment Warner Bros was said to be working on a new Dark Knight adventure instead of Rockstar, everyone knew it would be shit, and they were right. Arkham Origins has a smart enough premise about a younger vigilante crime fighter and lots of big name bad guys to boot, but it was just way too much to handle and what we end up with is a bland, boring mess of colon cannonballs.

THE WALKING DEAD: SURVIVAL INSTINCT
Telltale did one hell of a job with the successful episodic foray detailing the accounts of one of the most watched television shows. With that success they decided to up the ante and do something they had never done before, which was to make an FPS based on said TV series. But just like Indian curry kept overnight, this FPS seemed like a violently bad case of diarrhoea complete with incessant flatulence and a smell that would stink up the whole of Buckingham Palace for 35 to 45 minutes. Like the old saying goes. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Categories: 2013, Activision, Electronic Arts, Gearbox, SEGA, Sony, square enix, Top 10 Shittiest Games, Warner Bros Interactive, Worst

Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn

Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn gets an early launch. This so-called rebirth sees a complete revamp of the game, with a focus on retro style RPG game play.

The early launch offers plenty of challenges coupled with the fact that this is SquareEnix's flagship title.

According to early reports the game suffered major server problems which will hopefully be ironed out pronto.

While things start slowly, the class system allows a great deal of variety, although the game seems rather easy to begin with, things tend to heat up with players hit the mid-30s level.  This title also incorporates many modern features – Dungeon group finder, daily quests, and public quests in the form of FATES.

Stay tuned for a full review coming soon.

Categories: early launch, Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn, mmorpg, square enix, subscription

Hitman Absolution: How Agent 47 failed at the Boxoffice

Back in November 2012, the eagerly anticipated Hitman series was jump started by Square Enix to compensate for it's lack of mojo over the years—giving credence that Agent 47 may have contracted cancer and had to get a dose of Chemotherapy. That said, it wasn't entirely a good idea as the new team that developed it took too much creative license to make a turgid and long winded game which tested the nerve of players. 

Now the game isn't that bad. It's just that it isn't that good. First, let's pick out the good points. The Glacier 2 graphics engine is pretty cool. Gives you that film like 24 frame look and it is buttery smooth. The playing environments are beautiful, and there are lots of things to admire besides the scenery. Much more has been given to flesh out the characters, along with a in-depth story line, making this third person shooter feel almost like a RPG game. 

Therein lies the problem. Hitman is a shooter and by turning it on its toes, the developers lost it. 

WTF Gameplay

There is nothing really new about the game. Pick out weapons, kill the targets and hopefully stay saintly as Karma will come back to haunt you....but it doesn't. 

The new "instinct" capability is similar to that of the "sonar" or "tracking" ability of other well known games and thanks to its slow pace of play the problem is further compounded with long cutscenes in between levels. These developers were thinking of making it more like a movie, but the dialogue isn't one bit interesting to listen to. There are no witty clips or characters to begin with and even though the story is strong, the effort to create character depth just fails. Game designers got carried away with making a holier Hitman with a heart of Gold. 

The biggest issue I have so far is the AI engagement. It is plain stupid. The AI will for instance catch you unaware or ignores you totally even if you are fully armed and standing within 20 feet of Agent 47. Myopic characters? You bet. 

Then there is the sneaking around. Apparently, you are encouraged NOT to face up to danger and be a Gandhi like Hitman, scoring only points for people you are suppose to kill. If you get blasted by a bodyguard with a gun, you are suppose to sneak away and hide like a mouse. Killing him will earn you negative points. 

Then there are times when you just want to go in and take them out. But the game resets your ammo stash to the number of digits on your hands and even prevents you from choosing guns which you have picked up on a previous level. WTF? All a sudden, the game is to be played on rails  judging from the melee option. You have to follow a fixed set of buttons to melee instead of a one swipe whack. This slows the gameplay down with slo-mo sequences which could be best used in a documentary about life on Mars. 

The next WTF moment is that you have no control over the arms you have in your stash. You are only allowed to pick up pistols for pistols and can't swap a pistol for a machine gun. What is the point of picking up small funny pistol when the gameplay could be enjoyed with a sub-machine gun?

The lack of signature weapons is also another problem. Agent 47's Silver Ball silenced shooter is only available to you at a gun shop. I got so frustrated playing Gandhi (nice guy) to get it that I blew my top and KILLED everyone there just to progress to the next level—earning myself enough negative points that would be the hallmark of my world score. 

On other levels, when the Cops are alerted, they seem to be able to shoot through crowds of people and hitting you while you can't hit them unless you kill the bystanders. Since when do cops fire with bystanders as human shields? And to make matters worst, there are numerous levels where you end up killing more cops than bad guys once your cover is blown. WTF? Are they thinking along the lines of GTA now??

Throughout the game, you are given loads of places to hide in like Garbage Bins, trunks and closets. God sakes, this is not Agent 47's guide to Hide & Seek you're creating. But somehow the developers got carried away and added useless and inane stuff. And what about picking up objects, which at best could be flung at people. What good is that beyond trying to mislead the AI of your true intentions?

Conclusion

The real weakness of the game is that too much has been added to the story without paying sufficient notice to the gameplay. Even though it is a massive game spanning hours if you had the time to sit through it all and play the Contracts level, you don't get a new high with every accomplishment, like for example the ability to unlock some cool new weapons instead of picking up the standard fare—pistols made for pigeon shooting. The lack of firepower is what hampers this game and that's not what you want in a shooter like the Hitman. 

There is also no real difference between stalking and staying stealth versus taking out the entire troupe before they discover your unholy intentions. The game is actually much easier to play if you did the latter. If you loved snucking around, dangling from rooftops and hiding dead corpses, you're better off with a copy of Splinter Cell than Hitman. 

People play shooters because they want to have a fun time doing stuff that they can't do in real life but the game gets off on the wrong foot by allowing so many levels to be played via killing Cops. Then you have the storyline that is suppose to make him take an almost apologetic stand on a teenage girl.  

Hitman in all essence is a cold hearted killer. There is no two ways around it. If you made him anymore human, he won't be known simply as Agent 47. Gautama 47 perhaps?

Hitman Absolution

rating

Categories: agent 47, hitman, PS3, square enix, third person shooter, Xbox 360

Final Fantasy Versus XIII Snuffed Out?

After years of rumours and speculation, we can all rest assured that Square Enix has pulled the plug on the much anticipated ‘Versus XIII’.

It has been over six years since the game was first announced, and with the dreadful lack of programming talent, Square Enix had moved on to the next numbered Final Fantasy title, which finally puts to rest the preposterous Fabula Nova Crystallis fable once and for all.

No public statement will be made on the decision, a source told Kotaku. Square Enix is apparently keen to avoid any acknowledgement that could impact the company’s stock price.

Square Enix told Eurogamer it “could not comment on rumours or speculation” when contacted about the report.

Meanwhile, more details on the future of the Final Fantasy 13 project – which already spans a number of games – will be announced in September, Square Enix has announced.

A presentation entitled “Final Fantasy 13 Lightning Saga: New Developments Presentation” will take place on 1st September as part of a 25th Anniversary event for the series.

Square Enix has previously teased more Final Fantasy 13 content – although it’s unclear whether this means additional Final Fantasy 13-2 DLC or a fully-fledged Final Fantasy 13-3.

Categories: Final Fantasy Versus 13, Playstation 3, Playstation 4, Snuffed Out, square enix, Tetsuya Nomura